The Forecaster - One Pain Patient's Horoscopes

For all of you born on April 15th at 6:22 AM:

New Moon energy will begin to build today and you would be advised to behave yourself, if you think you can manage to do so.   If that causes you too much of a struggle, your pain level will most likely step in and put the cuffs on for you.

Mars semi-square Jupiter at 2:31 PM urges you to cook the five pounds of mushrooms that have been sitting in your refrigerator all week.   Mushrooms ARE members of the fungus family, you know.  And, while you're at it, remember the piece of pizza you squirreled away behind the grapefruit three weeks ago?

One of your cats (the furry one with all the loose hair) has discovered that sleeping on your keyboard provides something akin to the comfort you get from sleeping on one of those "egg crate" pads.  Since he is the same color as the keyboard, you will be pleased to know that "e", "k"and "%" have not disappeared, they are merely obscured.  If you work at it, you can blow out the cat hair and begin making that soft pillow you've always wanted, cat fur being every bit as soft and warm as goose down.   You'll have a good start.

All in all, it will turn out to be a very good day.  Your pain level and the barometer will go in opposite directions for a change.   The File Manager From Hell in your computer will watch CNN and hear about Windows '95.  You can, therefore, expect him/her/it to be on best behavior at least until after tomorrow's new moon.  After then. it's back to the usual and you can expect more challenges as the weekend closes.

Until tomorrow, then, good luck, be well, and take very good care of yourself.

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For all of you born on April 15th at 6:22 AM:

Today the moon conjuncts Venus at 12:28 AM, but of course that will happen during the second or third hour's nap that characterizes your nights.   Don't worry, you won't miss much and can catch up during one of the many times you'll be up before dawn plea-bargaining with the pain.   It's probably better that you'll be asleep anyway, because this planetary pattern can incline you toward excessive indulgence.   We wouldn't want that, now, would we?

This is a day to exercise discretion.   Just because your cat just ate his "furry squirrel" play toy, it is not a good day to tell your vet that you have a sick cat.  Remember the time he thought you said "calf" instead of "cat" and you obediently went out and bought that pint of castor oil he prescribed in spite of that nagging thought in the back of your mind?

Speaking of cats, today, if you care to look, you will finally find the missing rubber plug that goes in the drain of your bath tub.  It is firmly stuffed under the corner of the rug behind the 200 pound file cabinet you've never been able to move before.  You would be well advised to just go out and buy a new one.  Take those hot baths the doctor ordered!

Today's energy can easily lead to erratic behavior and acting out from feelings of restriction and frustration.   But what's new?   It may be, though, that the new med the doc put you on a couple of weeks ago has some side effects you hadn't anticipated.  Resort to that half gallon of Chunky Chocolate Surprise, if you must, but don't blame the stars for the surprise you'll get back for doing so.

Speaking of surprises, your pain has one in store for you.   It will switch sides.  This will most likely occur as soon as you get all fifteen pillows positioned just so on the left side of the bed.  You will not be bored.

Until tomorrow, then, good luck, be well, and take *very* good care of yourself. Top

Author's Note:

Here's where Agatha Cane Whidley entered the scene.   It was written in response to a couple of fan letters expressing "offendedness" by the "occult" nature of my writings.

DISCLAIMER: the author, Agatha Cane Whidley, asserts the following:

I am, most of the time, a staid and stoical Yankee (the Down East variety) gentlewoman who is now along enough in years to get away with being irreverent on occasion.  It can be written off to senility, and often is.  Pain is my constant companion, along with my dear cat, "Puppy".   When I lose my sense of humor, I will have lost not only the daily battles, but the war.  I mean no harm or insult to anyone and I don't know beans (Boston baked, of course) about *real* horoscopes!

             ~ACW~

For all of you born on April 15th at 6:22 AM:

Surprise!   You WILL wake up this morning.  Once again you will thank God to greet another day.  In the early morning hours you may notice a fifteen pound cat sitting on your chest.   Just how a cat manages to exert its entire body weight with equal force down each leg is not exactly known at this time, but do be aware that 15 X 4 = 60 pounds and exceeds the maximum weight limit the Pain Clinic recommended wearing at any one time.   A talk with your cat is in order when you regain your ability to breathe.   Assuming the cat is willing to move, that is.

After an emotional low before breakfast when the Moon opposes Saturn, your temper will, for once, exceed your pain level.  How that can happen is not exactly known at this time, either, but be reassured that scientists all over the world are working on this.   When they discover the answers to all these questions that have been weighing so heavily on your mind (and on your chest) and all the new textbooks are printed, something will happen to make all previous theories and conclusions null and void, and you and they will have to start from scratch once again.   As for your temper, know that your pain level will once again reassert itself and you will soon be back to your old sweet self.  A few apologies may be in order.  It was not nice to say *that* to the Social Security man last week.

Your usual Sunday morning time for peace and reflection will be accompanied by the melodious sounds of your neighbor's chain saw cutting up the top 40 feet of the tree that fell across your driveway during Friday's wind storm.   Be thankful that he, not you, is taking this on.  This may seem philanthropic on his part, but more likely can be attributed to the fact that he and his family have finally gotten tired of climbing over the tree several times a day to get to their house.  Any unpleasant effects from the chain saw sounds will be drowned out by the neighbor on the opposite side hammering the remainder of the shingles onto his new roof.   All is not lost, however, because he will take his teenage son with the 2300 Amp Boom-Box permanently attached to his ear up with him to help.  The sound of the Crash Test Dummies' latest hits amplified through the young man's head as it passes out the opposite ear will give you a symphonic experience to be long remembered.  Considering the earlier admonition about your temper, you would be ill advised to decide to sight in your new 30.06 at this time even though hunting season is fast approaching and you've been wanting to get it done.

Speaking of Friday's storm, you will locate some of the undies and night gowns you hung out on the line only moments before the gale force winds and torrential rains hit.   They will be clearly visible from the main road amongst the branches of the willow tree in your other neighbor's yard.  You shouldn't have any trouble retrieving them if you take along your climbing hooks.  It will be good exercise for you, especially if their pit bull, "Fluffy", happens to be outside.

The moon will be "void of course".   Of course.  What better way to top off a perfectly glorious day!   Maybe a Tylenol #7 will help.

Until tomorrow, then - good luck, be well, and take *very* good care of yourself.

DISCLAIMER: the author, Agatha Cane Whidley, asserts the following: "Never mind!"  This is one of her "senile" days and she's just rushed out to the local tattoo parlor after watching a particularly exciting segment of MTV.

For all of you born on April 15 at 6:22 AM:

You are not going to believe today, in retrospect!  Your ex-husband is going to show up from afar and ask you to follow him in your pickup and give him a ride back to town after he leaves the car he is driving at a ranch somewhere out in the boonies near the Montana border.  You will say yes, but you will have to "save" what you are doing in e-mail before he dials your extension telephone and your internet connection crashes.  Oops, too bad!

The series of events that will follow will keep you wondering for days while you are healing:

1. Your pickup won't start because you left the ignition key on when you put up the windows during Friday's storm.

2. You have jumper cables, but that little car won't start your big truck.

3. He will devise a plan whereby he will put the car's battery in your truck, and you will start it and keep it running (not the easiest thing to do on one of its *best* days) while he puts the car battery back in the car and replaces your dead battery back in the truck where it will hopefully recharge.

4. During this exchange, your truck will start OK; but, somewhere in the process of securing the battery cables to the battery with the engine running, he will get the shock of his life and both bolts will disappear into the tall grass never to be heard from again.  [And you thought *you* had pain.]

5. This sequence of events will present a minor problem.  You will, as you can see, have two batteries, *each* of which requires two bolts to attach the cables to itself, which is what makes the d___ things run in the first place.

6. You only have two bolts now.

7. He will devise another plan whereby you will drive the only operable vehicle to the car store and buy two more bolts.

8. You will finally be on your way and will follow him over 15 miles of dirt roads that were bladed that day last Spring when the county road maintenance crew discovered what delights all those coils of copper tubing in Farmer Jenkins' silo led to.

9. Remember the rule in the Wyoming Drivers' License Handbook that says, "The faster you go, the fewer bumps you'll hit." [Section 2, page 43.]

10. You will dearly wish you hadn't done any of the above about halfway there when you discover, on the downhill side of Miller's Ridge, that you can't feel your legs any more.  Which leads us very nicely into the second part of your horoscope!

A Venus-Jupiter square will be effective for several days and warns against over-indulgence.  Considering the shape you'll be in following the previously predicted experience, we don't think that will be a problem for you.

Until tomorrow, then - better luck, heal well, and take *very* good care of yourself!

DISCLAIMER: the author, Agatha Cane Whidley, met Mrs. Claire Dume Loone in the tattoo parlor yesterday and they were last seen boarding a passing freighter headed for the Tasman Sea.   [Which can occasionally be difficult to do in Wyoming.]   Agatha's parting remark, swirling down amidst the confetti thrown by hundreds of well-wishers, was "You're on your own!"

For all of you born on April 15th at 6:22 AM:

You will wake up with a headache and an upset stomach which is not going to make for the best of days.   (We warned you about eating that half gallon of Chunky Chocolate Surprise a few days ago.   Don't you EVER pay attention?)  You can, however, make the most of it if you don't stray far off your course.  You may find it challenging to write today's "Irreverent Horoscope" when you're relegated to the only room in the house that the computer won't fit into.

Speaking of your computer, you will receive the latest issue of "PC Novice" today (yes, we know it's way over your head, but read it anyway.)   In it you will discover something called MSD (no, it's *not* a disease this time).   If you manage to type the right commands in DOS (you'll need to use BOTH fingers for this), you will discover that you can print out a report of all of your computer's vital technical information.   They say it is so you will have a handy reference to use when a problem arises.   For you, it will be a way to create MANY more problems than you already have.  The possibilities are endless!

After one look at this 26-page report, you will decide to take time out to learn a couple of new languages.   Having accomplished this, you will be ready to figure out where your Print Manager, your Program Manager, your Fax Manager, and TFMFH (The File Manager From Hell) live.   There are probably other "managers" you haven't met yet, but you've got enough to deal with at the moment.

The seemingly domestic squabble going on inside your computer is the result of a managerial dispute.  To put it in terms you'll understand: when one of your managers does something the others don't like, one or more of the insulted parties will slap the offender.   This will either happen (1) when you have written the next-to-last line of the fourteen page letter you had just painstakingly written to your neurosurgeon, (2) when the last page of the incoming fax from Social Security is halfway sent (the one with "Crucial Deadline" printed at the top), or (3) when you have reached the 96th level of the new 97 level version of Doom you thought you had to have.   When you see the message "Your computer is either busy or unstable", you can safely assume the latter.

By day's end, your pain level will exceed your IQ (go figure!) and you will find yourself looking under the dresser to see if, by any chance (please, God!), the cats rolled some of your pain pills under there.

The moon conjuncting Mars this evening will cause impatience and may cause you to act against your better judgment.  Crank your stereo system up another 40 decibels.  Play Sinead's bassy "Thief" tore-establish contact with your inner self.  Go to bed before three.

Do not pass your computer.   Do not touch ANYTHING else today.

Until tomorrow, then, good luck and take very good care of yourself.

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DISCLAIMER: the author, Agatha Cane Whidley, sent the following telegraph:

Claire and I are enjoying our voyage immensely.  We encountered rough seas sailing through Nebraska and Kansas, but hope to reach calmer (and hopefully deeper) waters soon.  Everyone spent the first day on deck hoping to sight a whale, but the only marine life that ventured close to the ship at all had brands on them and looked vaguely familiar.   Occasionally, flocks of black seagulls circled overhead with cheerful "Caws" that only added to our enjoyment.  What a wonderful cruise this is!

For all of you born on April 15 at 6:22 AM:

Today will be, simply put, a bummer.  You will learn, however, that the word really stands for: *B*y *U*nderstanding *M*istakes, *M*iracles un*E*rringly *R*esult and that will help you get through the day.   Chronic pain is not a miracle, however, but a bummer in all it's original glory.

You will not want to get out of bed this morning, but hydraulic pressure will eventually change your mind.

You will not want to leave your house today but will discover halfway through a particularly intense speech by Judge Ito that you are out of your favorite food, Pepsi.   If you remove all that green leafy stuff they told you was healthy from the refrigerator, you ought to be able to stock in a goodly supply.  It will do wonders for your depression.

Don't take the hospital's instructions about your upcoming surgery seriously.   They tell ALL their patients to be sure and bring their Living Wills along with them to admissions.

You will receive outpourings of love and understanding from a certain list you belong to that will touch your heart in a way you didn't know it could be touched.  Into each life a little rain must fall.   Albeit up to your a__ in alligators, you *will* be able to clear the swamp.   Hang tight.  You will come to understand, in time, the true meaning of the term, "cosmic enema", so lighten up already!   Your life is about to change in a significantly new direction, one that is guaranteed to startle you out of your complacency.

To cheer you up, your cats will invent a new game for you to participate in.   It's called, "Don't Turn Your Back While Standing At The Sink Or You Will End Up Wearing One Of Us."   Guaranteed to get your attention.

Tonight, before you go to bed, you will give special thanks for all the people who care.   Tomorrow will be a better day!

Until tomorrow, then - good luck, be free, and take *very* good care of yourself.

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DISCLAIMER: A second telegraph was received from Agatha Cane Whidley.  It reads as follows:

We heard about your list discussing what produces endorphins.  Tell your folks there that a freighter manned by a crew of tanned sailors stimulates a lot of 'em.
Today we passed through the Straits of Missouri.  We haven't sighted any of the smaller tropical islands yet, just this big one which seems to surround the ship as far as the eye can see.  The going has been tedious at times, especially when we wended our way through rush hour traffic in St. Louis.  We stopped only long enough for the Captain to pay the fine, then moved on.  Still no whales.

For all of you born on April 15 at 6:22 AM:

Your travel agent will phone before your usual wake up time. Yes, it IS nice of him to call during his lunch hour.  He will have to repeat his message three times before it dawns on you that this is not another one of those "collect" obscene phone calls.  (We tried to tell you some time ago that you don't HAVE to accept them, remember?.....Oh?.....REALLY????)  Your agent will deliver the exciting news that air fares have dropped and, yes indeed, you CAN fly out of Sheridan this time, saving you the 450 mile drive to the nearest other airport.  You will have three hours to decide when you want to schedule your trip to your mother's home in New England before the low-fare seats are all snapped up.  Drink a cup of coffee before you even THINK of tackling this project.  Drink two.

Now that you have only one hour left to (in no particular order) make this major decision, shower, dress, and get yourself down to the Travel Agency with next month's check, you will intelligently pick a departure date using the old reliable calendar-as-dart-board method.  Hopefully, the number you will hit will follow your surgery date by at least 48 hours.  Have another cup of coffee.  Your aim has been a little bit off of late.  That last pane of glass was expensive.

The moon in Scorpio today tells you to be extra cautious in any dealings with electricity.  Unfortunately, you will space this out and try to repair the lamp with the cut cord all by yourself.  You will understand what we mean, when you twist all the bare wires together willy-nilly, slather half a roll of electrical tape on top, plug it in, and turn it on.  You will get an education in physics as well as electronics at this point.  You will be finding tiny shards of exploded light bulb for months to come, but only when barefoot.

Speaking of electricity, today your left buttock will feel as if there is a cord running from it to the nearest wall outlet.  You won't be able to find an "off" switch and will have to ride it out.  You love surprises, don't you?  Well, this is just one of many that the nerve root (the one that runs clear to your foot) stays awake all night cooking up.

Until tomorrow, then: be good, be careful, and take *very* good care of yourself.

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DISCLAIMER: Airborne dropped off a package this morning with a small packet of endorphins and a brief note from the author, Agatha Cane Whidley.  She writes:

Claire and I had quite an adventure today.  Our ship grounded on what we, at first, thought was a shoal.  It turned out to be a mall on the outskirts of Tucson.  (My, we sure are taking the roundabout way to the Coral Sea region, aren't we?)  Taking advantage of the temporary delay, we all disembarked while they moved the cranes into position to dislodge us.  I found some wonderful gift items to send back home, and you should be receiving your's post haste.  Sorry that the bottle is empty.  Not being experienced in these matters and teetotalers to the end, we thought "Dom Perignon" was Spanish for "Perrier" and <hic!>.....

For all of you born on April 15 at 6:22 AM:

Labor Day weekend will begin this weekend.  That means that it is time for you to labor around the house and get all that heavy stuff done before you go off to the hospital.  No, planting potatoes is *not* an alternative to vacuuming.  Defrost your deep freeze and be prepared for some interesting discoveries.  You haven't been trout fishing in three years.  So *why* are there trout in there?  Place the three cases of Stouffer's Swedish Meatballs on top where you can get to them after surgery.  (And you think you don't feel like cooking *now*!)  Anything underneath the meatballs can wait.  It has waited *this* long, what's another year or two.

You will never discover where that palm-sized angel fish in your aquarium disappeared to.  The only thing around here in or out of the tank with a mouth big enough to......oh, never mind!

Your cat will claim the mouse pad as his territory and favored daytime bed.  He will refuse to budge from it during any period in which the computer is on.  This will cause you to draw, once again, upon your creative talents.  You won't win, but your useless efforts will be challenging and stimulating to you both and will provide unprecedented entertainment for your cat.

The "electrical" pain in your left buttock will persist. Electricity must have a place to go.  In your case, it will find a pathway into your *right* buttock and light up everything in between.  The up side is that you will feel more balanced, if that is any consolation.

In conclusion, this is a day to gather your reserves and reserve your gatherings.

Until tomorrow, then: be good, be brave, and take *very* good care of yourself.

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DISCLAIMER: I just received news that Agatha Cane Whidley's cruise freighter, having been blown about East Texas for several days by errant winds, is now back on course and headed for New Zealand's waters. She writes:

Since the other night we have taken to our beds in our cabin below deck. That bubbly mineral water we enjoyed so much must have been tainted. We awoke the next morning with pounding headaches. We don't remember much about the evening before, but Claire was told she had bellowed out the most remarkable rendition of "Red Hot Mama" to the delight and amusement of all. We are beginning to recover from our mysterious ailment and hope to be back on deck and in the thick of things by morning.

For all of you born on April 15 at 6:22 AM:

We thought we told you last week that castor oil is NOT a remedy for feline ailments. *Where* is he??? The last time we saw him he was headed over the hill behind your house with five other cats. Two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory.

With the moon wherever it happens to be today, you would be well advised to just take it easy and turn your heating pad up another notch or two. Your doctor will return your frantic call with the information that, no, they don't make a Tylenol #10. Since you have been in a flare-up for three weeks now, you might want to start thinking about practicing that Flare-Up Plan the Pain Clinic sent home with you five years ago. It may be located somewhere in that pile of cartons you shoved way back into the corner of that alcove in your basement. Or it may not. But do SOMETHING. Denial is not the name of a river in Egypt.

By now you ought to be noticing that it was not a good idea to change the .exe, .com, and .bat extensions in your computer's files to something more readable. Putting everything back the way it was should keep you occupied well into the evening hours at which time you will be very glad, indeed, to fall into bed.

Until tomorrow, then - be merry, be well, and take **very** good care of yourself.

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DISCLAIMER: Agatha Cane Whidley, the author, is back from her impromptu cruise to New Zealand, looking tanned, trim, and somewhat smug. She talks occasionally about eating kiwi fruit and muttered something about bungy jumping somewhere near a place called Tauranga. I notice that she receives mail almost daily, coming from a far-off place judging by the stamps. The letters are addressed to her in a bold masculine script from an M.D. Ellsworthy. She hides them away and will not speak of them, but there's a certain gleam in her eye that I have not seen before. She *is* an octogenarian, you know (she'd kill me if she knew I told you that: she doesn't claim a year over 58). I hadn't quite expected this particular turn of events.

Agatha writes: "I am happy to be home on solid ground. All that tossing about was a challenge at times; but, for the most part, it was an experience I would not trade for the world. Must run. It's time for the mailman to arrive."

For all of you born on April 15th at 6:22 AM:

Today is the first day of Autumn. The summer's recent snows will have melted by mid day, giving you one last reminder of what the color green looks like. Enjoy it while you can. With the sun entering Libra, you may want to start looking for the shovel you put away last Spring. With any luck, you may find it before it becomes impossible to carve a path to either the cellar or the shed.

Speaking of finding things: as you suspected, there ARE trolls living in your house who "borrow" whatever it is you are looking for on a disturbingly regular basis. You need not be concerned about this and can stop worrying about Alzheimer's - for now. They will return the "lost" item to it's original spot after you have (1) turned the whole house upside down three times looking for it,(2) decided you don't need it after all, or (3) gone out and bought a new one. Just be thankful that they don't know how to use your computer. Or do they...?

Remember how cute you thought it was when your kitten ran the length of your kitchen and launched himself at the middle of your back when you weren't looking? He weighs fifteen pounds now, and you've just had back surgery, so we advise you to discourage this formerly amusing pastime. Handing out "treats" to something that unexpectedly plants himself between your shoulder blades seems a bit masochistic, wouldn't you agree?

Today you will feel well enough to do all your laundry. After it is hung outside, the temperature will plummet to sub-freezing levels. When you want to wear a particular item, merely stand it up in the tub to thaw for a few hours beforehand.

After you finish doing the laundry you will discover that, on a scale of 1-10, your pain level is off the register. With the moon opposing Saturn for several hours, you would be well advised to try the new pills the doctor gave you for pain and inflammation. Lay low this evening. Lower... Attagirl!

Until tomorrow, then - be sweet, be kind, and take *very* good care of yourself.

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